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Farmington, Utah

A Discussion on “Pierced with Deep Wounds”

Sorry I have been out of the loop for a few days. My wife’s grandfather passed away, family health issues and transitioning through end of school year stuff has been a priority. We have plenty to talk about. Let’s dive in….
My testimony of modern day prophets has grown again as I read several articles from the June 2010 Ensign. Those who help chose and edit articles for the Ensign are truly inspired. They have given me plenty to write about.
The article, “Pierced with Deep Wounds” (June 2010 Ensign), was especially powerful and timely. As the unnamed author said, “We found endless help for him, but it was more difficult to find it for me.” My hope is that I can contribute to what she has written, perhaps fill in some of the blanks. She is obviously well educated and has great spiritual and emotional strength. Her situation sounds difficult and painful, but the women I work with have situations that are more extreme, and require more help. I will refer to her article as a springboard into what I need to teach. I was hoping I could do this in one writing, but it looks like this one is going to take a while…. Let us begin.
“I felt sick, angry, hurt, and betrayed.” I am grateful that she admits to this, but I venture to say that the editors would not be willing to print a description of the details of her feelings. Images of screaming, throwing things, cussing, sobbing, shaking, collapsing, ripping things, clawing, hitting with wooden spoons, etc. are closer to what I am used to observing.
The mental deterioration process that men experience as they drift toward addictive behaviors (especially sexual) not only makes them oblivious to what they are doing, but also oblivious to the pain it is going to cause the women in their lives. I recall a case where the husband came in after I had seen the wife about 5 times and he said, “We are getting close to a half a dozen visits here. Are we getting close to when she is gonna get over all this?” It was all I could do to keep from beating him with a 2×4.
If you are a man reading this, do not underestimate the determination Satan has to get you involved in the process of making your woman cry. It is his life’s work to make men feel stupid and to make women cry. When he can do both at the same time, it is a great achievement for him. Rise up, gentlemen, gain reinforcements if you have been tricked, and protect your family.
To the women, more than likely, “I felt sick, angry, hurt, and betrayed” is just the beginning. I gotta go for now. More later….

6 Responses so far.

  1. Momma J says:

    You hit the nail on the head!

    Sick, angry, betrayed… though I do feel all of those, nothing describes the serious intense sorrow, shock, trauma, pain, confusion and heartache I've felt. In fact none of those even do it justice, except intense maybe.

    How about the word death? Yes… that one works… I feel like I've not only buried my husband, and the marriage I thought I had deep into the ground, but that I've lost apart of myself that discovery day (Feb. 18th 2010). It almost felt as if my heart had been smashed one million times with a hammer until it was no longer able to function and then I had been hit by a semi truck. For days my stomach churned relentlessly. It ached and throbbed as my mind wondered and replayed and imagined and tried to comprehend what I had just been told. I felt numb and strange and almost 'crazy' because of the traumatic news. It felt sickening and hideous and like my worst nightmare had just come true (like the one where you dream all your teeth have fallen out and you can't decipher if it is actually a dream or not, and you wake up sweaty and nervous and relieved that it was a dream- ONLY THIS WAS 100 MILLION TIMES WORSE, and sadly, it wasn't a dream)! I've never experienced anything like it in my life- I hope to never again.

    However, I do fear that this is just the beginning for me. It's only been 4 months and I feel that I'm regressing every day that passes. As the shock and denial wears off bit by bit everyday, the reality of what really happened sinks in. The trust and faith and hope and blind love that I once had has been completely shattered and I truly fear that it may never be salvageable. I've been scarred for life- and right now, it seems like it will be that way forever…

    His addiction has ruined that naive and blind trust I once had. It's gone, it's dead. I feel that I literally died that awful day and hate to admit that I'm having a hard time coming back to life. It's hard to see any light at the end of any tunnel when your perfect life was pulled out right from under you (in one 20 minute conversation) while you were being lied to and living in oblivion for your entire marriage. It really is the most horrific pain. My sense of security, home, love, trust, friendship, intimacy, and family has been skewed. I really believe that I'll need years of therapy to overcome this and to begin to heal- and I did nothing wrong. Every fiber of my body, mind, and heart aches and is so confused- that's really the only way to describe it. It's consumed me and taken over.

    Eager to read more about this… thank you for taking the time to write… For those of us who are seeing you for help, this really helps during the in-between times.

    Thanks M! You are a good man!

    Momma J

  2. hope says:

    This woman talks about how she stayed with her man, stood by him, supported him and loved him through everything. This seems to contradict what I've learned in counseling with you. If our men misbehave we're supposed to send them on their way. What if we're (wives) the only thing keeping them clean? If our men are losing battles, but are repentant what are we supposed to do?

  3. I am getting several emails on this topic already. I will write as fast as I can. Buck up, little camper, you will rise from the ashes like a phoenix again!

  4. To "hope": I will attend to your questions in coming blogs. Thank you for asking clarifying questions.

  5. Momma J says:

    Did you really just call me a 'little camper'?

    I love it!

    And yes, I know… buck up… go kill some buffalo with my bare hands… and then skin it myself and then roast it for dinner… I know…

    I'm going…

    Thanks M 🙂

  6. Anonymous says:

    Oh yeah — I should have added in my last comment about the article, that before I wrote it, I called the Ensign and asked if they needed articles on the topic. They said yes, but that they did NOT want an angry rant, so I was very careful to not sound too upset – I wrote it after the angry stage, too, which helped – although, I guess I down-played it enough that they came back and wanted more details!!

    A friend, and editor of some of my previous papers, (who also has loved ones who struggle with the addiction) was rather disappointed that I didn't sound madder in the article, but that's not what I was trying to do. She said I sounded too nice and accepting of the whole situation. In college I had taken a behavior change class, and I think that's why I was able to quickly distance myself from his problem and realize this as an addiction (not that it wasn't still hard and awful…).

    Just as an FYI, 5+ years later, my husband is still doing well. I feel the actual addiction is very minimal, yet the temptations do still come. The slips are very minor, things others would probably consider normal. I still believe this is something we will deal with for probably the rest of our lives.

    I always get annoyed when people say pornography is not a big deal. I don't know, I have my own feelings there, but I do know it destroys families, and that destroys Heavenly Father's plan.

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