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A Few Good Men – Repairing Broken Marriages

A Few Good Men
Repairing Broken Marriages
This was the topic of
Mid-Day on Monday with Maurice
10 March, 2014, 12:00 noon
Seminar

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I was thinking this morning about the men I have been working with who are getting it right. These are very brave and dedicated men who are willing to discover their own shortcomings. If you are a man like me, the last thing you want is for someone to point out what you are doing wrong. So, I hope that by describing typical characteristics of a man who wants to fix a marriage that he has damaged, if you need it, you can find value in my writing without offense. With that said, here are a few basic pieces you are going to need…

1- These men are patient with how long it takes for their women to recover from the pain that has been caused. The male brain is designed to “move on” and forget the past much better than a woman’s mind. Many men think that women WANT to hold on to the past. The men who handle this correctly stop thinking they comprehend the mind of their women. They learn to be patient and have trust that the woman will heal and leave behind the past as fast as she can. Please note that there is no joy for her to remember painful events in the past. In fact, it hurts her more than it hurts you. Compassion is a much more useful response than frustration. It is selfish to make it all about YOUR pain when the past is discussed, when it is time for HER pain to be discussed and resolved.

2- These men read and ponder. They understand that seeing a therapist once or twice a week is insufficient. A well used brain is like a well used pencil, it needs to be sharpened every day. Also, repairing a broken marriage is a complicated process. It can’t be done without a great deal of learning. A good therapist should be aware of many books that are fitting for you to read between visits. I recommend at least an hour a day when you are first getting started. Also, this is a good way to demonstrate your loyalty to your spouse. Resist the temptation to explain to her everything you are learning. She will know you are getting it based on how you treat her.

3- These men learn to behave well, whether she does or not. I hope that every woman who is recovering from different forms of abuse can maintain her dignity as she works to heal and recover, but sometimes, if you hold her head under water long enough, she will start to lash out. The men who fix their marriages do not use her response to pain as an excuse to misbehave again.

4- These men stop expecting his wife to meet his needs. If he wants her to recover as quickly as possible, she will need maximum energy. If she has to spend time thinking about what the man needs, or dealing with his disappointment or frustration when she doesn’t meet his “needs” (and yes, men, this does include bedroom activities), then it will take longer and could derail her healing. Gentlemen, remember how it feels when she asks you to fix the sink, then before you are done she asks you to change the baby’s diaper, then to take out the garbage…. What would you say to her, “Back off and give me some space please.”? It is a great deal of work to recover from what you have done to her. Give her time and space. She will let you know when she is done.

5- These men are anxiously engaged in being of service to their wives. He works to improve his ability to predict her needs. A man is usually abusive in part because he has unfulfilled unhealthy expectations of his woman and his marriage. In a healthy marriage, the man is more interested in how he can be of service to his woman than he is with what he is going to get in return. A healthy man becomes independently healthy on an emotional and psychological level before he meets and marries his woman, so he can find joy in spending the rest of his life working to meet her needs, instead of getting emotionally spun when she doesn’t meet his needs. “What needs am I planning for my wife to meet for me when we get married?” This backward paradigm has invaded our culture and is destroying marriage. I believe it was JFK who said, “Ask not what your country (wife) can do for you, but what can you do for your country (wife).”

I could go on, but for the sake of time, just send me your questions and comments on this topic and I will continue if there is sufficient interest.

mwharkertherapy@gmail.com

Maurice

For more advanced training on 
how to be a real warrior for your woman
read about Men of Moroni!

4 Responses so far.

  1. 53-year-old Reborn Husband says:

    Brethren, listen to Maurice! After seeing him at least twice a month for over 9 months, and after being invited to move back home after meing seperated from my wife for over 6 of those months, I can testify that he definitely knows wherof he speaks. I did not take everything that was happening to my marriage as seriously as I should have at first. When I was asked to move out, I didn't check into a motel or rent an apartment because I was sure my wife would invite me home within the first couple of weeks, so I just stayed at work and slept in a sleeping bag. It didn't register with me even after I broke down and rented an apartment that I would be there more than a couple of months, even though I knew I had seriously injured my sweet wife through my transgressions. Boy was I wrong on that count too. But it was good for us to be apart all that time. Neither of us could have healed if we were in each other's personal space during the whole healing process. My wife will tell you that before meeting Maurice, self-help books were never on my nightstand. But, because I seriously wanted to change and to have my wife acccept me back again, I was always willing to read the books Maurice "prescribed" to me, usually running directly to the bookstore right after my sessions. In fact, I have never been much of a reader at all, so initially it was hard to get started. The books were easy to ead at first, but they built upon each other and got into more and deeper subjects that gave us lots of things to talk about in our therapy sessions, sometimes even together with my wife coming too. I kept learning more and more about myself, and about how ugly I really was looking at myself more subjectively, but reading and being able to identify myself (my former self now) in those books was really helping me to change, because I didn't want to be that awful person I was reading about any more. What was really important to me though, was voluntarily reading some of the books Maurice was asking my wife to read, like "Out of the Ashes". I cried through the whole thing – picturing all of the times I had broken the heart of my tender wife, and coming to a realization of what she was having to go through. From that point on it ceased being about me, and I tried to focus on doing everything I could to learn how to become a different person. I compliled notes from the books and from Maurice onto a sheet of paper, front and back (in a small font) that I carried in my shirt pocket (by the Armor of God Coin I have carried there for the last 9 months) and I read that list over and over again just before I would be interacting with my wife to help me remember how I needed to behave and what I needed to practice when I was in her presence. It helped me to commit all of those concepts to memory. (continued)

  2. 53-year-old Reborn Husband says:

    (continued…) In my case. being able to come home didn't happen when I "expected" it to happen…and it didn't happen until I told the Lord that I had finally quit execting it to happen. Instead, I plead with Him to heal my marriage and to heal and strengthen my wife, and I plead for the patience it would require from me to be able to wait until the time was right for her. It wasn't until a great peace settled over me, a peace in which I wasn't fighting back in any way conciously or unconciously, that my invitation to return home came. Now that I am here, I am walking around on eggshells trying to remember what I have learned, trying not to expect anything, trying not to need anything, and trying to give her all the room she needs whenever she needs it. She has a TON of new boundaries, so I am reading a book about boundaries right now. She was even surprised when I asked her if I could borrow it from her. And…in spite of a few bumps and bruises here and there, it's working! I have not held my wife's hand, or put my arm around her, or kissed her, or slept in the same bedroom for over 7 months, but she is smiling at me! SMILING! She is not 100% healed yet, but she is getting stronger, and we are getting stronger together. Brethren, I am 53 years old, and I feel like a kid in a candy store without any money, but I am sure looking at my wife differently now than I ever did before. She is more beautiful to me now than she ever was before, even with all of her new boundaries. I respect those new boundaries and honor them faithfully, because I now know something about the great cost that had to be paid by the Savior in order for me to even be able to be here with her again. I only see my beautiful wife when I close my eyes now that the Lord has mercifully helped me wipe the awful images away that once took up residence there. I am doing things for her without expecting anything in return, and that is honestly payment enough, because for 6 months I was not able to do most of those things for her at all! My intent to learn is always front-and-center, because I know there is still much I have yet to learn…and because I am still patiently waiting for the time when she will slip her hand into mine again while we are out walking the dogs. She is going to have to hold onto me tight when she does, because I am probably going to float away otherwise! And the best part? It will have been worth the wait. Good luck in your own journey. If I can do it at age 53 (and I am still not done yet, of course), so can you.

  3. utmomof4 says:

    From a woman's prospective, I too agree with Maurice's post. Maurice is an inspired and amazing man! When I discovered my husband had committed horrible sins, I was both devastated and hurt. I didn't want to be a divorced, single mom, but I also didn't want to be in a marriage with someone unfaithful. With Maurice's help, my husband has become a better person, and we are still married. We have been working on repairing our relationship for a couple of years now. Although our relationship is stronger and better than it has been in a long time, we still continue to work at it each day. It's not easy to heal when your heart has been broken and your trust shattered. I am grateful that my husband has given me time and space to heal. I think two things that have helped in my healing were my husband's commitment to start being totally honest with me, even if he lost "battles", and his allowing me to express all of my feelings-the anger, the hurt, the pain, etc. I'm sure he didn't enjoy hearing all of my my thoughts and feelings, but it helped me to begin letting these things go. I am so grateful to my husband for being willing to fight. I'm grateful to Maurice for giving him the "weapons" he needs to win battles. I know that if both husband and wife will commit to taking the necessary steps and doing what it takes, marriages can be healed.

  4. Healing heart is good for everyone who is broken heart by some one and suffer from the depressions problems, Thanks for sharing this amazing post.
    Depression after a Breakup

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