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Parable of the Southern Bell: When a Man hurts a Woman and how to fix it.

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The following story is just a portion of the book:
This book is now available in eBook form.  
Text “Imnotokay2” to 91011 or {CLICK HERE} to get your own copy.
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Sadly, most married couples I
work with start with a visit from the wife who quickly falls into tears of pain
after entering my office.  While I do
have cases where the wife is the one who hurt the husband, today I am going to
talk about how to work through things when the husband hurts the wife.

When a Man has Hurt a Woman
And how to fix it

Parable of the Southern
     This story could take
anyplace, but it works best for me if I imagine a father sitting on the front
porch of his plantation style home in the South.  He looks down the long graven drive lined by
large trees on both sides.  He sees an old
sports car driving a little faster than usual up the drive which comes to a
gravel-flinging stop by the porch.  The
teen-age girl (who happens to to be the man’s daughter) jumps out of the
passenger’s seat and yells at the young man who has been driving, “I hate
you!  And I never want to see you
again!”  As she slams the door and
starts to run up the steps in to the house, he opens his door and over the roof
of the car hollars, “I’m sorry!  I
didn’t mean to hurt you!”

     The father, (just like you
would, gentlemen), reaches for his shotgun that he keeps on the porch…just in
case.  The young man sees what the father
is doing, jumps back in his car, and drives away as fast as he can.  The father pulls the trigger a few times, but
misses on purpose, his only goal is the scare the boy away forever.  That night he holds his daughter in his arms
and hopes to console her.   “Why do
boys have to be so stupid!”  And
with a deep breath, he remembers to himself, “Just like he was at that

The next day, the father gets
quite a surprise.  Once again, the father
is on his porch when he sees that same car slowly driving up the gravel
drive.  He reaches for his gun and takes
the proper position on the middle step. 
The young man slowly gets out of his car. 
“You got a lot of nerve
coming back here young man,” the father says.  “You won’t be talking to my daughter
today, nor ever, so why don’t you get back in that fancy car of yours and drive
away before I have to put some holes in you and your car.”

Meekly, but bravely, the
young man replies with, “I am not here to talk to your daughter, Sir, I am
here to talk to you.”

This shocks the father a bit,
who after a spell of silence asks, “Well, what is it you want to

The young man looks up for
the first time to make eye contact with the father and says, “I feel
really bad for hurting your daughter. 
She is really important to me and I made an immature mistake.  Before I try to make it up to her, Sir, I
want to make it up to you.  What would
you have me do, Sir?”

The father, even more
surprised, pauses for a moment to ponder. 
He has no interest in putting his daughter in harms way by allowing this
young man to see his daughter again, but at the same time, this father has
never seen such wisdom and courage in a young man.  For that matter, he remembers that when he
was that age, he would not have handled the situation this good.  Also, there is the question, “Is this
young man a flash in the pan with enthusiasm, or is he willing to back his
words up with actions.”  So, a
little test.

“Alright, young man, I
want you to take that fancy car of yours, drive down to town square, take one
of your clean white t-shirts and write on it real big, “I hurt —– and I
am willing to do whatever it takes to fix it.”  Then attach that shirt like a flag to the
town flag pole and raise it up high. 
Then take a picture of it with you fancy phone camera and post it on
Facebook for all to see.  
Okay?”   Now, if you haven’t
already guessed, the initial intent of this list of expectations is just to get
rid of the kid.  No punk teenager is
going to follow through with those instructions.

To his surprise, the young
man replies, “Yes Sir.”  He
jumps in his car and drives away.  Thirty
minutes late the father, just out of curiosity, checks his Facebook and finds
that the young man has followed through. 
“Well how about that!” 
What does that mean about this kid?  He must seriously love the girl. 
He is brave.  He is humble.  Impressive.  
So far.

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The next day the father sees
the young man driving up the gravel road again. 
“What can I do for you next to prove myself to you?”  

“Hmmm.  See those fallen trees over there?  See that ax? 
I need that all split into firewood for the winter.  Have at it.”
-Why is the Father having him
do these things?
-If the young man continues
on this path, how is the Father going to talk with the daughter?
-How does it benefit the
Father and the daughter if the young man gets impatient and drives away, never
to come back?
-How does it benefit the
Father and the daughter if the young man stays patient and persistent?
If the young man continues to
work to build a relationship with the Father, 
the Father will come to several conclusions.
-He respects me, therefore I
can trust him to respect my daughter.
-When he is here, he is not
off chasing other girls or other immature distractions.
If consistent, the Father
will start having conversations with his daughter about the impressive
character of the young man.  The Father
wants his daughter to stay away from the young man until he demonstrates true
character change.  Once he demonstrates
that he will be a better man than the other alternatives for his daughter, he
will begin to encourage her to give the young man another chance.  Most women are naturally forgiving once they
feel safe.  And in my experience, that
sense of safety will not come directly from the man, but must come as a
spiritual manifestation for the woman.
Imagine if the young man says
to the Father on the first day he comes back to the house, “Get out of the way,
old man, and let me talk to your daughter.” 
Or, “This is none of your business, we don’t need to involve you.”  Or, “I don’t trust your ability to convince
her of my value, I need to tell her straight forward that I am a good man and
she needs to get over what happened.”
In my professional
experience, those couples who let the Father be the mediator are much more likely
to experience a miracle of recovery and happy healing than the others who are
impatient and work around him.  
We offer 2 programs for people who find themselves in this unfortunate situation.
Both are now available long-distance, through webinar style training.

For the Men:
Men of Moroni

Specialized Training
in Self-Mastery
and Marriage Repair

For the Women:

The W-O-R-T-H group

free Therapist led

The above story is just a portion of the book,

 This book is now available in eBook form.  
Text “Imnotokay2” to 91011 or {CLICK HERE} to get your own copy.

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11 Responses so far.

  1. Anonymous says:

    Thank you for taking the time to do this.
    -Boise Husband & Porn Addict.

  2. Anonymous says:

    I appreciate this parable. I'm hanging in for the kids. Husband has stopped the habit (which is admirable) but has done little to nothing for reparations. Kind of biding my time, appreciating the good moments, but not holding my breath for better. I have no impetus to leave, really, because I'm not at all interested in remarrying. The quality of my life, however, is NOT at all what I expected it to be. I'm happy when I help other people, but honestly? The true foundation of happiness was undermined by the betrayal of my spouse. It challenges every other joy.

    • Anonymous says:

      Ditto Ditto Ditto so what now , bid time I guess. How many others just like me ?

    • Anonymous says:

      More than you want to imagine

    • Anonymous says:

      We have to remember that biding our time, can be faith. Faith and hope that everything will work out. Faith that there is a Heavenly Father who knows all, and Jesus Christ who is there to heal. He took on all of our spouse's sins and your and mine and it can be healed.

    • Anonymous says:

      Thank you. I know there are many like us out there. I also know that Heavenly Father loves me and all of us. I have been biding my time for well over 20 years. I have children and feel that if I keep my end of my eternal covenant Heavenly Father will do the same. Each and every time I want to give up I have not and the blessings and joy keep coming. Dear sisters hang on. It is so worth it.

    • Anonymous says:

      Ladies please be careful while bidding your time in go no where marriages. I tried I too made a vow to love honor and protect my husband. But he broke his vow to me his affair hurt me in so many ways. I had placed all of my self worth into being the best mother and wife I could be. While I was home cooking cleaning and taking care of the kids my husband was working I thought everything was fine. But he started hating everything I did. I couldn't do anything right in his eyes. I didn't understand. if the kids made a mess it was my fault I wasn't teaching them right. If they fought I was a bad mother. I was always nervous when he was gone I did everything I could to get the house clean and a good dinner I knew he would love on the stove. Everyday he found something he was mad about and would take a walk or lock himself in our room. I was defeated I felt like a failure I couldn't do anything right and my family would be better off without me. Then I took a look at the phone bill. all of the times he was angry with me he would call the same number. So I called it. and a young woman answered the phone. I said I must have the wrong number and she told me who she was and where she worked. I told her I thought she was having an affair with my husband. She hung up and 2 min latter he called and said we needed to talk. I didn't want to talk to him I had noting to say I knew all that time I was not doing anything wrong that him treating me so badly was him trying to justify his actions if he was mad at me than calling his girlfriend was ok. Well it is not when he got home from work I told him I was leaving. that is the first time he beat me. I went to church three days latter with a swollen ear and bruises up and down my arms. my pastor and others in the church lectured me about family and marriage and having faith and keeping the family together. So I tried. for my kids I tried. after nine months and countless beatings I had enough I filed for divorce and now have a protective order against my ex husband. Financially it is harder but mentally and physically my life and my childrens lives are much better. I am now remarried my husband now has never done or said anything that has hurt me. I feel safe and protected I feel appreciated and loved. my kids can see that I am happier and they are happier by me finally standing up for us and leaving it opened up an opportunity for my Children to see what a healthy marriage looks like so they don't fall into a loveless unhappy marriage themselves I realize that this story and the comments are about being strong and having faith and forgiving. But I am happy I wasn't strong enough to stay. Now I don't have to be strong and wait out my marriage. I am enjoying my life I wake up happy each and everyday excited about what is next. I hope you are too.

    • Anonymous says:

      Do not "hang in there for the kids"!!! I can tell you from experience that he has not stopped, he is hiding it better. And the kids just might be the ones to find out!!! This is what happened to me, and now my oldest 4 despise my soon-to-be ex and my youngest is very confused (he's the only one who doesn't know). Leave now for the sake of your children, maybe then you can preserve their relationship with their father.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Well, several (at least 4) very severe addictions have cost me a few relationships, many friendships, Destroyed my character. Completely torn apart my personal life.
    And all together killed anything important to me. I finally let my bishop convince me to come here and im glad I did.

    Thanks for the glimmer of hope

  4. Anonymous says:

    Thank you! I'm still dealing with a husband who struggles with porn, he would hide it and a bunch of stuff happened that almost ended our marriage. I stayed and things have been better, he's open about his struggles and when he slips up. This story is going to help me help him though and that's all I've wanted to do for him.

  5. Anonymous says:

    this will be splendid. I can't wait to perfect our traumatized marriage.- ol' mother_war

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