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Marital Repair Case Study #1

Marital Repair Case Study #1

(The words of the wife are in
I was
able to have another chat with my husband last night where I calmly explained
my distance of late is due to working through pain and past hurts. I explained
that, just like when you get a serious burn, in the moment it hurts but not
nearly as seriously as it hurts afterward. Hours or days later, you have
intense throbbing that exceeds the initial pain tenfold or more. I said, I’m working through
this pain, so you see me as distant. I need this space to work through it.
To the Ladies:
I am impressed with
her calm, clarity both in the moment of discussion and in her preparation.  She has followed one of the most paramount
rules of communication, “If you don’t have the Spirit, don’t talk.”  When you have the Spirit with you, your mind
is sharp and creative with its explanations. 
When you have the Spirit, it feels like you are sharing, not force
feeding.  She used her frontal lobe and
the Spirit to calm herself and to find a creative way to share her
experience.  Anytime an accurate parable
can be used in communication, it will improve communication – Christ demonstrated
this principle. 
Gentlemen:  It is your responsibility to keep yourself
tightly and deeply connected with the Spirit if you are going to be the
Patriarch of your home.  This man should
have been sufficiently aware of his wife’s angst that he would have kindly
asked, “You appear to be more distant lately. 
May I ask what you are going through?” 
This would be a demonstration of Presiding, or leading by being the one
who starts difficult conversations.  He
would demonstrate Protecting by being more concerned about her Safety and Security
than his own comfort.  He would
demonstrate Providing by bringing her increased energy and confidence during
the conversation.
Back to the Ladies: In
the future, I would encourage her to do a “Weather Check” before sharing such
vulnerable information.  Difficult
communication requires both the speaker and the listener to have the Spirit
with them.  A Weather Check in this situation
is not too difficult.  She could simply
ask, “Are you interested in why I have been a little distant lately?”  It is important that she not believe the
words that come out of his mouth in response, but the Spirit of his words.  A person can reply, “YES”, but still not be
in a Spirit of Listening to Learn.  If
they are listening with the intent to correct or contradict, then it is not a
good time to share.  Simply respond with,
“Actually, now is not a good time for me. 
But please let me know let me know when you might have another time to
learn about what I am going through.” 
This tool is not just from wife to husband, but I would encourage
husband’s to use the same tool when looking to start a conversation with the
Gentlemen:  As with any soldier in the army of God, you
will need to be prepared and resourced for any unexpected difficult
situation.  If a sniper puts a bullet in
your forehead in war, you can’t say, “Hey, I wasn’t ready.”  You must do the work it takes to keep the
Spirit of Listening to Learn with you at all times.  When a woman is in pain (See “Hit by a
Truck), it is not the time to explain to her what you have been doing right or
wrong, or what she has been doing right or wrong.  Listening to Learn (See Stephen Covey’s, 7
Habits of Highly Effective People) is gathering of information with the hope
that you will learn something you have never understood before.  If she is talking, it is probably because you
have not comprehended what she is trying to share.  Get the Spirit of Tongues, and ask the Spirit
to translate what she is saying into a language that you can understand.  When she does a Weather Check, be ready.
Both: “But what if he/she
NEVER has the Spirit of Listening to Learn?” 
This is usually an over exaggeration, but when this is the case, one or
both have not yet finished “Season 4”. 
As you read in that section of the book, “I’m Not Okay, You’re Not Okay, But That’s Okay”, if you finish your Season 4
before your spouse does, continue on the path and stay on the path where you
rely primarily on the power of God and the Atonement for you strength,
rejuvenation, and personal character development.  Be a good person, because you are a good
person, not because someone understands you.
Finally, for her, she
demonstrates wisdom in not using her husband in her healing process (for
now).  “Do not rely upon the arm of
flesh.”  Spouses are not Saviors.  When we find ourselves in a situation that
requires us to regain our stability and/or be healed from difficult pain, our
spouse was never intended to play the primary role in this process.  “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.”  When we need increased emotional stability –
go to prayer, writing and reading. When we need healing, go to the Atonement
and the power of Christ.
If you are not ready to participate in the process of helping your wife to heal
from her pain, please withdraw leaving her in the hands of God and other servants
of God and go up unto the Mountain to do the work you need to do to become
strong, rejuvenated and healed yourself. 
If you feel you might do or say something that will cause her more pain,
don’t.  If you feel like she is hurting
you, withdraw to a safe distance.  Just
calmly say, “I am not ready to have this conversation.”  Then go finish your Season 4.    If you are ready to participate in your
wife’s healing process, use all of your resources to Build an Incubator for
her.  Since you are not God, and you
cannot heal her.  Since you are not the
surgeon, and you cannot stitch her back together, then be a Provider and a
Protector.  Make sure her environment is
edifying and rejuvenating.
Continuing the story…
calmly and kindly, explains that a leading cause of his misbehaviors (which
have caused this pain) is my failure as a housewife.

(My response to this will be
in my next post.  Also, the story
continues, so come back later for more!)
Details on all the principles referred to
 in this article can be found in my eBook,
“I’m Not Okay, You’re Not Okay, but That’s Okay!”
  You can get your copy by clicking HERE

One Response so far.

  1. Thank you Maurice, you are truly a source of strength for me. I will always be indebted to you for the help you give.

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