Sex: “Is it a mutual desire, or always the man coming on/begging?” Part 1

A client asked me this question in a txt message and I decided the answer is way too big to answer in a text message. Besides, I guessed many of you out there would want to know the answer. My favorite way to answer this question is to take us all back to caveman days. The core of human sex drive is connected to the original drive for the continuation of the species. Interestingly enough, both of these drives also connected to the Proclamation on the Family. Men are designed primarily to “provide and protect”. In cave man days, they would go out into the dangerous world of man-eating dinosaurs in an attempt to provide for their women and children, and they would go up against uneven odds in an attempt to protect them. Unfortunately, on many occasions, the man would come back from his hunting excursions only to find his woman and/or children dead due to predators or illness, etc. Because he could not stay home to protect his offspring, he had to adapt, and find a different way to make sure he contributed to the next generation. He began to feel an obligation to produce as many children as he could, so the drive to “have sex with any woman I can” began to formulate. In the mean time, women, who are designed primarily to “nurture”, were making their own adaptations. Two core instincts I have found in almost every woman I have worked with is an almost insatiable drive to have the 2 “S”s: Safety and Security. As they saw other women and children being consumed by predators, they started improving their ability to attract men who were more capable of providing Safety and Security. In other words, they looked for men who were good at Providing for and Protecting them and their offspring. When in the presence of a man who she feels can provide and protect her, she starts to have her first sexual responses. For the inexperienced and less mature young women, their ability to accurately discern whether or not a man is good at providing Safety and Security is not quite there yet. This is why we observe the “Bad Boy” attraction phenomena. When a young woman is initially attracted to the “James Dean” type, the “tough guy”; she mistakenly believes he has what it takes to provide and protect her long term. After getting hurt a few times, she starts looking for a man who is more stable. Once the woman has successfully attracted a man who is likely to keep her and her offspring safe, other factors start to affect her sexuality. Back to caveman days: Once she was pregnant or had given birth to a child, much of her attention was drawn toward making sure that baby will successfully make it to adulthood. This instinct usually decreased sex drive. The idea of being blissfully swept away in a sexual escapade only to find that your child was eaten by a dinosaur while you were distracted was unacceptable! But wait…! The woman also understood that she could only have one baby per year (approx.). And in order ensure the child’s development to adulthood, she would need to continue to be provided for and protected. She had to ask herself, “How can I get this man to keep providing for me and my child and protecting me and my child?” She learned that to provide him with a quality sexual experience would increase the likelihood of him returning to her (instead of following his instinct to “have sex with any woman I can”). So this instinct increased her sex drive! She also learned that if she would care well for his offspring in his absence, he was more likely to provide and protect her. (To be continued)

About Maurice W. Harker, LPC

Director of Life Changing Services, Director of Sons of Helaman, Facilitator of the WORTH group, Consultant for the Daughters of Light program.