Sex: “Is it a mutual desire, or always the man coming on/begging?” Part 3

Where things go wrong:
I am sad to say that we men are the ones who usually mess up the cycle. Our understanding of what it means to Provide and Protect is sometimes incomplete.
1) A very common oversight that I see often in my office is Emotional Safety and Security. A man might come home from a long day at work and feel like he is good at being a Provider and Protector only to be rude and derogatory to his woman and/or his children. He may under-estimate how much work his woman has done in his absence. Many men of our culture now how to “send a message” of frustration or disappointment without saying anything out loud. Their list of “good reasons” is unending. When a woman starts to feel like she needs to protect herself from her own man’s emotional assaults, it kills the sexual cycle. When she feels unsafe and insecure, she loses her drive to nurture…especially sexually.
2) Another oversight is when a man observes a flaw in his woman and wants her to “learn from her mistakes.” In other words, he lets a dinosaur bite off one of her limbs so she can learn to be more careful. For instance: One man would not help in the kitchen because he wanted his wife to learn how to take better care of the kitchen. Don’t do this! Assume your woman is doing all she can and dive in and “save” her from overwhelm. More likely than not, the children you impregnated her with are consuming all of her time.
(To the women: I have learned to function off the premise that women are already doing all they can do and they are maxed out. Almost every woman I have worked with is her own greatest critic. She already expects more of herself than is humanly possible. If you are one of the rare women who is actually NOT doing your part because of laziness or apathy, then rise up and get this fixed! If you really want to fulfill your stewardships correctly and cannot figure out what is keeping you from doing so, it is time to check in with a professional to see if something is amiss.)
3) Some men hurt their wives sexually. They expect or demand things that make her feel unsafe. They don’t wait until their woman feels safe and secure, they take what they “deserve”. Some I have seen, use anger and/or extreme “disappointment” to punish their women for not “doing their part.”
4) Infidelity. A woman does not feel safe and secure when a man is having a sexual/emotional relationship with someone other than her. This is not only referring to Affairs. Pornography is a sexual relationship with someone else. Masturbation is having sexual relationship with yourself – you are not your woman, so you are having a sexual relationship with someone other than your woman. To make it worse, having a clandestine (secret) relationship with pornography and/or masturbation feels like an affair because it is hidden.
Gentlemen, these are the most common ways that I see men destroying the feelings of Safety and Security for their women…thus leading to a decrease in sex drive on the part of the woman. As her sex drive decreases, he feels un-nurtured. He does not get the boost of Confidence and Competence that comes from quality sexual experiences. If he does not get sufficient rejuvenation from within himself, he might become less successful as a Provider and a Protector. Of course, this makes the woman feel less Safe and Secure. And the cycle spirals down.
If you feel your situation is an exception to what has been described above, please comment below.

About Maurice W. Harker, LPC

Director of Life Changing Services, Director of Sons of Helaman, Facilitator of the WORTH group, Consultant for the Daughters of Light program.