I just finished reading up on Momma J’s writing in www.mynotsoperfectmormonmarriage.blogspot.com. Wow. That is a lot of pain. I am very grateful for her willingness to post what she is going through. Some of you may feel she is hanging out her dirty laundry for all to see and that it is inappropriate for her to write about her experience. If she was publishing names, I would agree with you, but she is being very appropriate. I support her writing because I have met so many women who feel like they are the only one going through this. The roller coaster that women go through is very painful. I have observed that men have a great tendency to underestimate how difficult it is and how long it takes a woman to recover from such misdeeds – even if the behavior can be blamed on an addiction.
Part of the process she, and all other women in this situation, must go through is a distancing from the man and a strengthening of her relationship with God. Her tendency to support and nurture needs to be turned inward. She needs to make sure she is healing, and increase her faith in God that He will help her husband, if he will receive that help.
It is important that she not add to his difficulties, by intentionally making things worse for him, but in order for him to fully recover, he must not “rely on the arm of flesh”. He must get used to her unpredictable emotions. This is not by choice on her part, one minute she will feel hope and loving, the next fear and distance. He must connect himself directly to God and rely on Him only for his recovery. Otherwise, if he the wife loses her ability to support in the future, the husband will likely fall again.
This phase of recovery is very lonely for both partners. If they turn to other mortals too much, it can weaken the recovery process for both. Turning to others often contaminates the process of recovery because the process is as complicated as brain surgery. It is vital that both stay connected to God because He is the only one with sufficient wisdom to keep her needs, his needs and the needs of the family the two have created in mind. If you have a loved one going through this highly unfortunate experience, resist the temptation to give them advice. Encourage them seek personal revelation and to follow that revelation with courage. When their behavior surprises you, set your judgementalism aside and seek to understand. God has a history of doing things that don’t make sense until it is all over.
When you turn the process over to God, and become confident in His investment in your development and happiness, and become submissive to His guidance – miracles, equal to the parting of the Red Sea, can take place! It is absolutely amazing to watch!