Sexual Misconduct in Dating – and what it does to the mind of the woman.

“And whoredoms are an abomination before me”
President Hinkley was once asked something like, “The unmarried of the church are unclear about what it means to stay morally clean.”  President Hinkley replied with something like, “Oh they know (the rules), they know.”
Unfortunately, I have repeatedly been told stories of behaviors that cause me to believe that either some of my brethren out there either don’t know the rules, or need to be reminded of them and the effects of not following them.
Yes, there are times when it is the fault of the woman, but today I am going to target a more common pattern. 
A woman came into my office this week telling me about a date she was on where the temple recommend holding gentleman removed his shirt revealing his garments then proceeded to try to suck her face off as he adventurously slipped his hand under her shirt to become familiar with her breasts.  She withdrew at that time, calling it a night.  The next day he shared some “constructive feedback”  informing her that she is “too conservative.”
When she came into my office she asked, “Is he right?  What did I do wrong?”
I wish this was the only story of this nature that I have heard recently.  In my office on an average day, I “get to” hear at least 2 women cry about the most recent way a man has hurt them in some sex related issue.
These women naively go into relationships with temple recommend carrying, return missionary men with the hope that he will honour his priesthood and honour her by being more interested in her well being than in her body.  They think to themselves, “I can trust him because of his credentials.  If he is doing/saying “this” then it must be okay.  He has the priesthood and I don’t, so he must know better. 
By the time her own alarms convince her that she is being mistreated (this could take anywhere between 20 min and 20 years), she has already been hurt.
Depending on the frequency and intensity and duration of such patterns, the heart, soul and mind of the woman becomes traumatized.  By traumatized, imagine how a 5 year old girl would feel about playing with dogs if one had recently attacked her and bit her face half-way off. (I know a young girl who experienced this.)  Sadly, some male readers of this may conclude that I am exaggerating.  You might want to consult God after reading Jacob chapter 2 if you need a second witness.
Many of these women are unable to recover for a significant length if time.  Men have a tendency to become impatient with how long it takes women to recover/heal.  Imagine telling your daughter (now 6) that she just needs to get over being bitten by that dog and forcing her to play with dogs!  Would you do that to your daughter?
It is not a universal response, but some of these women lose hope, and decide to just not play with dogs (Mormon men) anymore.  They are scared to trust them.  They are scared to trust the temple and its promises.  They decide it is safer to play with cats (non-Mormon men). 
Go to and read the 6/11 posting. 
Brethren, it is your Patriarchal duty to protect the virtue of women. If these women leave the path and their posterity miss out on blessings they might have had, you will be punished for whatever percentage is your responsibility.
My friend, L. R. Writes…
In the immortal play “My Fair Lady”, professor Henry Higgons poses this striking question: “why can’t a woman be more like a man?”
I would like to pose my own question, “why can’t a man be more like a woman?”
Now before you judge me and call me a man-hater, let me explain. I love manhood, I love honor, strength, danger, and fighting for goodness. I am not advocating weak, feminine-like men, quite the opposite. What I want to say is that there is one (among many) intrinsic part of womanhood that would be good for men to more fully develop. It is the ability to self-analyze.
In the dating story above (and so many like it) the woman wonders what she might have done wrong! I’m not saying we should question our standards or be weak under pressure, but I’m suggesting that we become more like the Savior’s disciples who at the last supper asked, “Lord, is it I?”
In stead of blaming others, it would do us good to look inward and ask our Father, “Lord, is it I?” and listen. This introspective inquisition seems to be more natural to women, who often blame themselves for their husband’s addictions. Men, let us rise up and be men! Let us look inside and see what we might change to become better sons of God and presiders of our homes.”
Young L. R. Is not even married yet, and he gets it.  If you are hoping to blame the woman for bringing it upon herself, you are especially in spiritual danger. If you have hurt a woman (one or more), you are going to need the Atonement to repair the situation.  If you are repeatedly hurting women (although you promise yourself you aren’t going to), you a are probably going to need some professional help. 
Let me know if you would like me to continue elaboration on this topic.

About Maurice W. Harker, LPC

Director of Life Changing Services, Director of Sons of Helaman, Facilitator of the WORTH group, Consultant for the Daughters of Light program.