How bad does it get? The Tragic Pain of Being the Wife of a Sex Addict.

How bad does it get? 
The Tragic Pain of Being the Wife of a Sex Addict.
Bubble Girl thought you might benefit from her story:

Once upon a time, there was this young Mormon girl who tried to have an enjoyable adolescent life while maintaining her virtue in preparation for marriage in the Temple.  After highschool and a lot of dating she meets a young man who the whole community has fallen in love with.  He was a convert to the church while in his late teens and goes on to become an excellent missionary.  While attending BYU, he picks her, out of all the possibilities in Provo, he choses her!  He swoons and adores her.  They get married and everything is just as it is supposed to be. 

Unfortunately, like so many young men in our culture, he brings with him some preconceived ideas of how much of a role sex is “supposed to” play in the marriage.  This confuses her a bit because she thought he was marrying her, not her body.  His gradually increasing frustrations make the patterns of his interactions less edifying (and with good reason too because how does a woman expect a man to keep treating her as a delightful person if she is not “meeting his NEEDS.”  Shokingly, she is now less “into” their sex life, and when there is anything she is just “doing her duty” and he can tell, which adds to his “justified” irritation. 
It gets even worse when she is pregnant.  She wasn’t planning to be one of those women who is in great pain and discomfort throughout the pregnancy.  She wasn’t planning to have medical complications while pregnant, but her body does what her body does during the pregnancy.  Now he is even more frustrated sexually, because his NEEDS are not being met. 
He shows how valiant he is by encouraging her to go to marriage counseling, and with the help of the therapist they both try to tell her that she is not having sex as much as is “normal”.  After giving her “many chances” to change, he has no choice but to get his NEEDS met elsewhere.  Luckily for him, there is a woman from the ward who is willing to oblige, and the woman in our story gets informed of his adventures when a pregnancy is announced. 
The husband leaves the wife (and his 2 children) because this new woman understands him and knows how to meet his needs (although she already has a husband and children of her own). 
While she moves out of the community to avoid further embarassement and to gain support of parents back in her home town, he moves in with the woman and kicks her husband out.  Over the next 18 months, she (and her children) seek therapy to try to understand and recover from what has happened while his new woman gives birth to a little boy (something the wife had always wanted, but medical condition prohibited) and a few months later are pregnant again. (Of course this new relationship doesn’t last…after many blow ups, the perfect relationship, one worth leaving wife and children for, crumbles.
In the mean time, the wife is trying to recover from being run over by this giant truck, although money is being drained by legal fees, etc faster than she can make it (since she was being a mother during her prime education and career building years).  After a while, she is even brave enough to re-enter the dating world.
She has done an excellent job of carefully tip toeing into this scary dating world.  She has maintained her virture and has avoided other pitfalls that are not uncommon with what I am now calling “Tweeners” (women between marriages).  Her skills of assertively but pleasantly rejecting men who she sees no future with have become fine tuned.  But, then there is the man who has excellent relationship building skills.  Men who can show love, kindness and affection for extended periods of time.  Because every healthy woman I have ever worked with wants to bravely get back on the horse (begin working to build an eternal family) again, she allows herself to hope again.  She allows herself to be emotionally vulnerable again.  And then…
WHAMM! (see BubbleGirl for more details)
When a woman in this condition is wheeled into my emergency room, as you might guess, it takes a great deal of very careful surgery.  I invite all of you out there to be more sensitive to what this experience is like for those who, just like you, were planning on having a pleasant, event free, eternal marriage.  Please increase your awareness and compassion.
– To all you ladies out there who can relate to this story, please get the help you need to at least be able to breath while to work your way out of it.  You might want to look into the WORTH group. 
– If you want your daughters to avoid finding themselves in the situation (or at least decrease their chances) look into the Daughters of Light.
– If you are afraid your son (or yourself) might have a sexual addiction, I strongly recommend you look into the Sons of Helaman program and/or Text Coaching.
Whatever you do, don’t do nothing!
My heart is with you all!

About Maurice W. Harker, LPC

Director of Life Changing Services, Director of Sons of Helaman, Facilitator of the WORTH group, Consultant for the Daughters of Light program.