Casualty of this War: Part II – Who’s fault is it?

Casualty of this War
Part II
Who’s fault is it?

What that says to me-is that I am not attractive enough. He constantly slips back to blaming me for his addiction in one way or another and last night I realized maybe that is deep down waht he’s blaming for..that I am not and never will be attractive to him. Are there some sex addicts-even mormon men-who look at porn because thier wives are ugly to them? Or is it always because they have emotional problems-but just cover them up by saying they are guys-and naturally attracted to the most beautiful of women?

I don’t know if this is reassuring to you or not, but I have found no correlation between the attractiveness of a wife and the use of pornography. I have had women come in my office that could walk right off the cover of a magazine, and the man is still unsatisfied. I have met women who have spent a great deal of money on facial reconstruction and body enhancements, not to mention diet and exercise plans that knock them out of balance with respect to their other stewardships. I have had women say, “I do things! I do things that shouldn’t ever be mentioned in a church, and he is still unsatisfied!”

It is important to remember that sexual addiction works on the brain the same with any other addiction does. With cocaine, meth, heroine, alcohol, etc., there comes a point when the user is unsatisfied by the current amount of “results” they are getting off their substance. The body gets adjusted to it and it starts to crave more. It is the ultimate “chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow”.

Julian B. Rotter, back in 1954, coined a term called, “Locus of Control”. In short, you have two options, Internal or External Locus of Control. Those who have Internal Locus of control believe that they can change their lives by controling their thoughts and feelings. External Locas of Control types believe that their thoughts and feelings are controlled by things outside of themselves. Rotter observed that the Internal types tend to be more happy and successful. While the External types (casually known as blamers and complainers) are regularly unsatisfied with their lives.

When I am diagnosing how long it will take for an Addict to gain control over their addictive behavior, one of the first things I look for is where their Locus of Control currently lies. If the Addict is taking responsibility for the problem, I have hopes of a much quicker recovery than if the Addict is still blaming any of their misbehaviors on anyone near them – no matter what the reason.

There is nothing you can do to gaurantee your man will not become an addict.  This is very sad.  But, there are things you can do to respond.  It is relieving to discover that the very same things you need to do to protect yourself from his misbehaviors, are also, serendipitously and paradoxically, the very things that are most likely to help him choose to recover from his addiction.  Start by writing your own version of  the “Letter to Husband” that you will find in my next post.  Then read up on “Pioneer Woman Mode”.  I will discuss this concept more soon.

Again, let me know if you have any questions or comments.


About Maurice W. Harker, LPC

Director of Life Changing Services, Director of Sons of Helaman, Facilitator of the WORTH group, Consultant for the Daughters of Light program.