Casualty of this War
“I feel something unpleasant when I try to enforce boundaries.”
(See comment section in “Letter to Husband” below for details on where this quote came from)
I cannot tell you how many times I have heard this phrase. It brings me pain every time I hear it. First, let me tell you what is going on inside you, then I will teach you what to do about it.
Inside of every woman I have ever worked with there is a drive, a power, an insatiable urge to Celestialize everything! I call this blessing/curse, “Celestial Orientation”. Most of the masculine population has mocked this drive for years, but I fear that those who have mocked will be punished for doing so.
You can observe this drive coming from women when you hear them say things like, “Why can’t we all just get along?” Or, “Why can’t we keep our home clean and beautiful like a temple?” Also, in most cases, unless she has been “burned” in the past, women tend to give others the benefit of the doubt. They tend to assume everyone is going to be kind and everyone is going to play fair, and it is often a surprise to them when this does not happen.
To understand what goes on inside a women when someone threatens her boundaries, I will use a story that I often use in therapy. (Any Native Americans out there who read this, please ignore the stereotype. I could use any various characters in this story. I apologize for not trying very hard to be politically correct.)
Pretend you really are a pioneer woman, and you are crossing the plains, all by yourself (other than your children) in a covered hand cart wagon. The journey is tough; you are wearing boots and overalls instead of the pretty and soft clothing you would rather be wearing, but you are whistling a happy tune and making the best of it.
Out of no where, a half dozen Indian warriors on horse back come riding out of a nearby valley and proceed to circle your little wagon. You have a little anxiety at first but then you do what any woman would do in the situation, and you greet them kindly in hopes of making new friends! How kind of the local tribe to send out a welcoming party! After greeting them with smiles, waves and pleasant chatter (Celestial interaction style), you are surprised to see them retaining their stone-faced expressions.
The Indians sternly tell you, “Actually, we are here to rape you and take your children for our slaves.” Awkward!
So, now observing that a Celestial interaction style didn’t work, you drop down a level and try a Terrestrial intervention. You try to establish a Boundary or a Wall. You reply, “Ummm, that idea doesn’t work for me. Perhaps we could try something else.” It occurs to you that these men have women and children at home and may have some unmet needs. “I have a little bit of extra flour and a few extra blankets we made in our quilting group back home. Perhaps I could give you those and you could take them back to your families and we could go on our merry way without that other stuff. Yes?”
The Indians look at each other, shake their heads and begin closing in. “Lady, we are here to rape you and take your children for our slaves.” Double awkward!
At this time, the female brain starts to go through something that is almost like a ripping sensation. 1000 miles per hour she tries to come up with alternatives. She is now being pushed out of the Terrestrial world and into the Telestial world. Words didn’t work. Walls didn’t work. Weapons are all that is left. The opposite of Nurturing. She remembers she has a shot gun in the wagon, but she also remembers these men probably have women and children back at home. She seeks for a way out, but eventually, the dark persistence of the men forces her to make a decision. She decides to use the gun on the Indians.
Ask the smoke clears, she finds 6 dead Indians on the ground and her children are safe. Then, she does what most women would do, she drops the gun, falls to the ground and bursts into tears; tears of guilt. And every day for many years to come, she is going to feel guilt, “Did I really have to kill those Indians? Maybe if I had listened to the Spirit more closely, I could have found a better way.”
We all know that a man in the same story would have skipped the first two interventions, killed the Indians, put six notches on the side of his wagon, and six scalps hanging from the back.
We learn in the Family Proclamation that women are designed to nurture. We learn that men are designed to provide and protect. Activities that are the opposite of nurturing cause women in general to feel out of sorts, or in other words, guilt.
Boundaries are not needed in healthy, nurturing relationships. Boundaries are not necessary in Celestial Relationships, because in Celestial relationships, every one consecrates all they have and all they are to the welfare of others. People do not abuse each other so there is no need for self protection. Because women enter marriage expecting it to be a Celestial experience, they find it awkward and uncomfortable when they find a need for boundaries.
So, ladies, when it feels awkward and uncomfortable to create and maintain boundaries for your own protection, you are probably doing it right. And, you wouldn’t need to do it if the other person was truly functioning like a friend.
Now, a word on how long you need to maintain boundaries (or walk down the Pioneer trail alone). If you have someone pull up next to you while you are pulling your wagon and offered to help. Did so for a while. Then out of no where smacked you over the back of the head with a 2×4 and stole some of your goods, how long would it take you to trust him again, if he came back again to offer to help pull? What would he have to do for you to let him help again? Why would you be inclined to pull by yourself instead of accepting his help?
For more training on this and similar topics look into joining the WORTH group. www.worthgrouplcs.org. Call 8015585952 and ask Carol for details.