How do you know when you have are going too far?

Occasionally I ask one of our graduates of the Sons of Helaman program to write an article for this blog.  I let them choose a topic based on what they have learned.

How do you know 
when you are going too far?

Guys sometimes, no matter how great they are, feel tempted to go too far. They try to remain these good protector missionary guys but it is still natural for them to see a girls’ bare shoulder, and feel the temptation. God made us feel this for a reason. Without such strong awareness of opportunities to reproduce, the human population might come to an end.

“Cuddling” is, sometimes, a “safe” opportunity for guys to try to “get some”. But sometimes it gets out of hand. It is very hard for some guys to judge when it has gone too far. Girls are cuddling because they love the feeling of being protected. They love the reassuring feeling of being under a guy’s arm. Females were also born with a gift of knowing what will soothe and relax guys.

Say a guy is having a bad day. He doesn’t feel like doing anything. There is a girl next to him. “Oooooo,” he thinks. She knows he has had a bad day and she wants him to feel better so she does her deal of relaxing the guy. The girl thinks in her head that “He is a priesthood holder. He is a return missionary. He is awesome. I’m sure he has boundaries. I don’t need to worry.” While this is happening the guy is thinking, “I am sure she will tell me when to stop. She seems to like it so I guess I will just keep doing it.”

The next week the girl is sitting in the bishop’s office crying and wondering what she did wrong. The guy is all like, “that was great, Babe, thanks for playing” (High five). The girl is talking to her bishop wondering why her man, being the priesthood holder that he is, didn’t stop where he needed to.  The guy doesn’t understand why she hadn’t told him when to stop. I mean, come on. Why would a guy feel bad about going that far when it seems like she really liked it.

This is going on all over Utah and in other places of the world. When you are cuddling with a girl before you are married, you have all sorts of chemicals running through you. There are love chemicals, protection chemicals, etc. But mixed in with those chemicals there are some strong deviant sex chemicals. Real men know what it feels like for the sex chemicals to overpower the other chemicals so they cool things down a bit when it gets that far. Real trained men set boundaries for themselves and don’t rely on the girl to have to slap their hands to know when to stop. Of course they feel good when they are cuddling but “love and passion” is different than “deviance and lust”. It is very hard to explain into words what it is called when you know when to stop cuddling or at least cool it down.

In the Sexual Purity section of the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet it says “Treat others with respect, not as objects used to satisfy lustful and selfish desires. Before marriage, do not participate in passionate kissing, lie on top of another person, or touch the private, sacred parts of another person’s body; with or without clothing…Avoid situations that invite temptation…Do not participate in discussions or media that arouse sexual feelings.” I don’t know about you but for me it seems there are a lot of loopholes around this. What if we sit in each other’s laps and instead of lay on each other so we don’t go against the For the Strength of Youth? What if we don’t kiss for very long so it doesn’t get too passionate? There are a lot of what ifs. Guys need to decide early what they will and will not do before they get in situations where it seems like the girl wants more and more and so do you.

The apostle Paul was a very good example of what it means to be a man and set your own boundaries. He says in 1 Corinthians 9:27, But I keep (discipline) under my body (chastity) and bring it unto subjection lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway.
That is all I have to say. Adios!

Recent Sons of Helaman Graduate, L. M. (age 16)

Impressive right?  If you would like to read a related article about what to do if you might have gone “too far”, by yourself or with someone else, read this ARTICLE.

About Maurice W. Harker, LPC

Director of Life Changing Services, Director of Sons of Helaman, Facilitator of the WORTH group, Consultant for the Daughters of Light program.