The Severe ramblings of an incoherent ADHDer, or better known as an introduction to Kennyland.
(Note: this was written by guest blogger Kenny Hill. The post has not been changed from the original and any typos, spelling or other errors have been left exactly as it was written.)
“Will you pass the blue? Thank you. Now will you pass the chartreuse?”
“The what?”
“Chartreuse.”
“I’ll check but I’m pretty confident that was just air. “
“What? Ew, no. Chartreuse is a color, it’s a yellowish greenish.”
“Oh, I don’t know, check in the emotional coloring box. “
“Whoa! This is a mess, like a rainbow rode a roller coaster into a hurricane, and then threw up.”
“Yeah, that’s why I just use the red one for everything.”
If there really was an emotional coloring box, and one had to be able to name the emotion before one could use the color, how many of us would be using more than 2 or 3 crayons? And f.i.n.e. is an acronym not a crayon. Unless your “fine as frogs hair” then that certainly is an emotion.
An emotion is a wild and wooly creature. In it’s Larva state it doesn’t know how to restraine it’s bite. With it’s pincers, stingers, and insatiable appetite, it is a menace. But as an adult, it can be deadly. It hides under your bed, in the shadow of each step as you leave a darkened basement. It’s super strong and will sucker punch you when you least expect it. It has too many hairy legs and can spin an invisible web that once caught in, it’s almost impossible to break free. An emotion is scary enough, but then you find out that you have like a bajillion. That’s a hive, and now you have egregious problems. (But which ones?) This might shock you to find out, but did you know that people with ADHD struggle with their emotions?
“Wow. Just liked that?”
“Huh?”
“That segway. It had all the subtleties of a rhinoceros dancing the merengue wearing a neon lit hat.”
“In a mind field?”
“What?!”
“Mind field. Get it? ‘cause we’re talking about emotions… besides, it’s just until I can come up with something better. “
It’s true, anyway, emotional regulation is another one of our top executive dysfunctions. So dealing with them is a greater struggle. Especially the emotions of paying attention, sitting still, and not blurting out… anything.
“Those aren’t emotions”
“Thanks for proving my point.”
“Dang it”.
But wouldn’t that be great if it was?
Teacher: Alright everybody, pull out your emotional wheel and let’s see what we are feeling.
Timmy: I feel happy.
Anne : I’m overwhelmed.
Kenny: I feel like playing connect the dots with the one hundred sixty seven freckles on your face.
Teacher: how many fr-
Kenny: I’ve tried 32 times and I cant figure it out. I can almost get a squirrel on a log, or if I come back over the bridge of your nose I think I can do the schematics of an F-22 raptor.
Teacher: that’s oddly spec-
Kenny: I got the war of 1812 once but that was before I made up the rule of no duplicates. Well… that’s what mine says anyway.
Teacher: ?…?
The problem isn’t that Neurodivergents don’t feel real emotions like chartreuse or quercitron, it’s that we feel too many at once, and struggle to decipher, describe, decode, or control them. This leads to further problems like depression, anxiety, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, addiction, imposter syndrome, rage, emotional dysregulation, ODD, and RSD. Just to name a few.
“Mmmm, RSD. Is that a flavor of icecream? “
“… no, it’s… um, I’m sorry, what?!”
RSD pronounced “Argh Es Dee” if your a pirate or “Rusty” if your an odd ball. There’s a few of you out there. RSD stands for Relative Standard Deviation, it is also called the percentage relative standard deviation formula. You can see why it’s abbreviated. It is the deviation measurement that tells us-
Wait! (Record scratch)
Hold on Tiger! Thats not the RSD were talking about.
“That was wrong boys, wrong indeed!”
Ironically though, for my first 4 decades I knew more about math than I did about emotions. Until I forgots all my maths.
“Ugh. Kenny feel… uh… bad.”
That would definitely explain how I got into this mess.
Even though math can cause emotional distress for some people, this type of RSD stands for Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
“Means your going to suffer, but your going to be happy about it?”
“Give me the cup!”
Dysphoria is the opposite of euphoria, and as the name implies, one is in a state of misery and trauma from this fear of rejection. Stemming from past rejections. Understanding it isn’t as easy as interpreting the name. It’s all of that but to the dibiltating power of a million.
“Boo hoo, Everybody gets rejected. It’s how one builds character, toughens one’s self up, and puts hair on your chest.”
Well, maybe I would like to be smooth, and maybe I’d like to feel like it’s no big deal when I forget something, misspell everything, and trip over nothing. Or, or, or, or if someone close to me disagrees with my awesome opinion, lets me know my way of doing things is different from everyone else, doesn’t like something I’ve put my heart and soul into, or says eww, when they see me naked.
“What?!”
“oh, I meant metaphorically. Sees me naked… metaphorically, Lights on pants on, that’s me. . “
We can all agree nobody likes that feeling, but like I said it’s to the power of a million. It’s like this; Even though I can take that “eww” as constructive criticism, smile and say thank you, squeezing that pain into a lovely jar that I twist that lid on so dang tight and put it on a shelf in the cellar of my psyche so that I can go down there when I’m all alone and study my many jars only to rage smash the entire collection when they don’t dance for me like a good monkey when I tell them to repeating the process in silence over, and over, and over again.
“Breathe mate!”
I can never let you know that one time, years ago, when you weren’t thrilled with the way the cook made your order at the restaurant that I picked out, that I took it as a personal failure, why I hate that restaurant with a passion today, why I die inside when I am asked “where do you want to eat?”, and why that cook had a problem with his brakes.
“WHAT?!”
“Metaphorically. He, or she, I don’t see people, had a problem with their brakes… metaphorically”
It’s another drop in the failure barrel. That fills up so fast. The pain in the moment is almost unbearable, there’s nowhere to turn, I laugh at myself outwardly so that no one notices me dying inside. It’s so indelibly imprinted on my brain that I’ll do almost anything to avoid it in the future. When I’m triggered with having to go through that same type of scenario again. Anxiety floods my body. When those waters have subsided, then depression fills the void where anxiety once stood. It is as painful and real as it is irrational. And the myriad of avoidance tactics are NOT the answer. Let me illustrate my point with a tale of whoa.
WHOA!
When I attended film school in Florida, my wife and I only had one vehicle. So I would bike back and forth most days. One day, a car almost hit me. I skilfully dodged the attacking car with my mad-motocross-heroesk moves. Hopping into the air, tailend pulling 6Gs and banking 90° like some kind breaching bi-pedal albino beluga. As this whole thing is happening in slow motion, take your pictures now because I may have managed to rockhopper my way from the clutches of an eagle talon driving breakneck speeds on a rainy day, but I was no match for Mr. puddle. This puddle was too small to house any attack gators, so it deployed the only weapon left to its disposal. “Slippery when wet”. Lying in wait for its next victim. It knew that the sum=(velocity×force+viscosity)÷lateness will alter the vector of an airborne idiot.
Utilizing the skills of a Crackerjack ninja, I deftly maneuvered my left forearm in front of my body, to ride on like landing gear through the remainder of these Xgames. No time to cuss out this guano dropping winged mammal exciting H-E-double hockey sticks, I’d have next few decades to stew over that. Swooping up my unscathed bike, I rode like the wind to class. Arriving triumphantly in the nick of time for roll call. (Do you see how dangerous time blindness can be?)
Unfortunately in my haste I left the skin of said forearm back at the aforementioned parking lot. I replaced the skin with paper towels after washing it at school.
Caveat: Now, I know better than this, but I’ve also forgotten better than this. So…
At any rate, it did the trick and stopped the bleeding, allowing me to attend class for the next 4 hours. Early the next morning I was standing in my kitchen picking at the coagulated infusion of Brawny and hemoglobin that had replaced my epidermis wondering if I should soak it or what. My wife, in a brilliant maneuver, strode by me and in one swift motion ripped the fibrous xenograft clean off. From top to bottom. Her precision and speed was astonishing. She didn’t even break stride. Once removed, my arm was free to bleed again. Yeah! Before the shock of it all hit I found myself bleeding, cleaning, and bandaging (for reals this time. GO EAGLE SCOUTS!)
I’ve shared that story before and some people have reacted with horror. “She’s so cruel”. What, what? Not at all. They don’t realize that her method was fast, clean, with no warning. You see, not all heroes wear capes. The lack of warning meant no anxiety or fear over it. Plus, it got done. I’ve never asked her if she took any pleasure from that, but who wouldn’t. It’s so satisfying. At any rate, it was an act of mercy. Really. There wasn’t a better way.
“Cool story bro, but it reminded me of a ball.”
“How do you mean?”
“Pointless.”
Hear me out. In life, we find our selves in situations where hesitating will only prolong the inevitable, Mr Anderson. Sitting and dwelling on perceived offenses, real or unreal, produces more problems emotionally, and we had all better hope we have someone as awesome and compassionate as my beloved, willing to rip that barrier off in a moment’s notice. For the sake of growth and healing. So, it’s kinda like that… and now your forearm tingles, just a little.
Where does this rejection stem from?
In life, all kinds of things happen that leave one perceiving it. You may have noticed the unreasonable amount of side conversations in quotes throughout this so far. Maybe even said to yourself.
“Not another one!”
They are all subtle illustrations of comments or observations that when said turn into RSD. Even something as simple as not liking the same thing as everyone else. As though that somehow diminishes your worth. Then the lies start, “If we don’t like the same thing, what else do they hate about me? “
These satanic lies build on top of each other, and are insurmountable left alone. It’s nobody’s fault that they enter into our mind, but it is our tremendous responsibility to deal with them, head on, when they do. We have to expose them so we can dissect what is really going on. It is fantastic to ask follow up questions to someone’s “rejection” to gain a proper perspective. Remember, you yourself dont like everything, it’s great that not everybody likes your everything too. It makes us unique.
The rejection being felt is disproportionate to the amount being delivered. Most of the time the offenders dont even know they’ve hit the “send” button on the rejection memo. And it’s no use telling someone with RSD to stop it. It feels so painfully real and it’s all being hidden inside.
“Is this real, or is it just happening inside my head?”
“Of course its happening inside your head, but why should that make it any less real?”
Let me wax pathetic for a mo.
One of the biggest problems with RSD is always feeling that I’m making the wrong decision. Injection sensitivity destroyer just leads to more indecision
Every choice is a critical crossroads, and I always wonder if I have made the right one.
Last Christmas we drew names out of a hat for a little secret Santa action. As is our tradition. Switching names between my wife and my son, at their request, had me vexing if I ruined a childhood or relationships because I orchestrated something I should not have. Even though it is what they wanted. That goes for so many little decisions. If I chose the red shirt instead of the blue shirt, what would my life have been like 20 years later?
“Why oh why didn’t I take the blue pill?”
And flying southwest is the absolute worst. Having to choose a seat when I’m in C group means I’m in the middle somewhere, it’s the choice of where to sit that’s crippling. Hard to reason, but if I am early and can pick my window seat then I can sit back and allow the universe to unfold the mysteries of the plane. Whereas C group means I’m playing god without a full deck. Failure from the onset. It’s not just suffering for the few hours of being on the plane. I’ll carry the failure of that decision until something overshadows it, only to compound it the next time. Grossly irrational, and something only RSD victims go through.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria has plagued me. It has crippled me. It has got me to avoid things that may have been for my good and created horrible situations for myself.
I hate admitting all of this, because it’s complete vulnerability. I’m exposing my… self. Scary, crippling, smiling at the public I’m in, but holding back tears. If you reject a creative story, that’s okay because your opinion is (dumb) valid. You don’t have to like (good) stuff (you uncultured swine). But, if you reject my blogs then you reject the deepest and darkest parts of me. The parts that I have worked so hard to hide. Unfortunately, I can’t fix it in the dark, and after decades of hiding it like an infectious wound, I have found it’s far scarier to not change for the better. Better to rip it off now and start the healing. Like many other things in life – “He who hesitates is lost.”
A couple of years ago I had a break through. I was testing an investigational medicine for ADHD. One morning my wife was upset. She was expressing herself. Probably stressed out and frustrated. Probably because of me. Probably something I did, or didnt do, not listening, maybe. Most likely ADHD related. Who knows, not the point really. To me it felt like my world was ending and divorce was imminent. Then the medicine kicked in and all of the sudden the rejection and venomous feelings being hurled at me like lightning was just a task list for me to work on for the day. I saw it for what it was and realized that in my XLV-ish years (Roman numerals, baby) I have been feeling stuff way too deep, and locking away so much useless pain. So, I opened my emotional debtors’ prison, and let them all go to the tune of Handel’s Messiah. It was all so dramatic and lovely and easy, cause I couldn’t remember why I was locking it up in the first place. When the study was over and I no longer had the medicine, I found myself in a new place. I still felt the rejection and it was just as painful and deep but I knew it wasn’t “REAL”. I felt crazy. To be honest, I still feel crazy when I go through this. What does one do?
I am so glad you asked. I opened up my tool bag. I started with-
Emotional Inventory
“What is even that?”
It’s the process of identifying what I am feeling. It was very difficult in the beginning. Even though I feel a vast array of emotions simultaneously. I never paid attention to them. I knew I was in pain and that sucked and whatever happens next is out of my control because I was about to rage monkey on a rack of frozen bagel dough. Since it was near impossible to zero in on a singular emotion during the flood, I started by listing what I was feeling physically. I.e. shoes on my feet, chair I am sitting in, ache in my head, then I could begin to list some of the bigger and more obvious emotions. Anger, or sadness, or… is there a 3rd? Oh yeah, blind rage. This is where an Emotional Wheel is very helpful. You can see and learn to pronounce all the emotions you were feeling but could only shout about earlier. Like o-v-e-r-w-h-e-l-m-e-d. Very good.
What it does is put things in perspective. Should I feel rejected because I was reminded to put my cereal bowl in the sink instead of ALWAYS leaving it in the couch. No. I can say, this isn’t a rejection, this is instruction. There’s a bigger difference than just the spelling. I recommend doing this multiple times a day. Inventorying your emotions is the beginning. Next is a must, pull Mjolnir out of the tool bag –
T.R.U.Th tool
I’ve explained what this is before, but it’s so nice I’ll do it twice. (Copy and paste ahoy)
This is a must have in my tool bag. It is both an arsenal and tool with the ability to fight AND repair. It is a multi faceted swiss army war hammer that delivers the force of a Mack truck with the range and scope of a sniper rifle. When the shroud of the adversary’s darkness envelops me, I use this to open a gaping hole to allow God’s light back in. (Think Stormbreaker and the power of the Bifrost)
T – tear down the lie. What is he saying to you? “You’re no good, not enough, they’re all going to laugh at you?” Whatever it is has to be recognized for what it is. A lie so you can say “that’s not true because…”
R – restore the truth. Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” This scripture fits so well here, helping us to connect back to Christ.
If the lie is “I’m not good at ___fill in the blank___. Add “yet” to the end. This makes the statement true (unless you’ve just lept from a plane and are trying to fly like a bird. You don’t need to add the word “yet”.)
U – unite with God. Prayer, writing a letter to Him, reading scriptures, Gen Conf talks, hymns (I find “How firm a foundation” to be particularly efficacious) you know what to do
Th – this is my body as my weapon! Please remember, the adversary has no body, he has been waging war in your mind only. Those are YOUR chemicals he has been convincing YOU to drip. he has power to bruise your heel, but you have PoWeR to CRUSH his pathetic head. Remember the flagpoles and move your body. Service is such a great way to Unite with God as you move your body.
Tool – because this is an action thing. Doesn’t matter how many tools you have, or how shiny they are. You will never build a thing if you don’t use them. Now you don’t have to always do them in that order. You may need to use your body or Unite with God first so you can think clear enough to recognize the lie. The point is to be effective and complete the acronym. Simply picking up the hammer isn’t enough. You have to swing so it can hit its intended target.To echo LeVar Burton “You don’t have to take my word for it.” so use it and experience relief from the burden of satanic lies today.
Ni Ni Fi Fi
Another often used tool. One does not get a new hammer every time one builds something.
Notice it, Name it, Flip it, Find it.
- 1st – Notice you are feeling off, or “not good”. Not food poisoning, but emotionally.
- Next – Name it. Bad is not an emotion. It’s the range of emotions you don’t want to be in. Sad? Mad? Glad? Rad? There is a whole world of emotions out there that don’t rhyme. Because some of us have the emotional range of a teaspoon, you may need to use an emotional wheel chart to discover what you’re feeling. There is so much more to unpack here, the thing is you have to keep going deeper to get to the core emotion. Is it powerless, inferior, frustrated? Whatever the negative emotion, it is being driven by a satanic lie.
- C – Flip it. Using the emotions wheel look to the opposite side of the chart. That’s where you want to be.
- Finally – Find it. How do you find your way to the happy side of the emotional wheel? Insert the T.R.U.Th.Tool here. Do something to feel accomplished. Service. Focus on the many tiny triumphs right now (a.k.a. gratitude) actions steps can be the hardest, but “they that be with us are more than they that be with them.” We never do this alone.
Finally –
Mindful meditation
This is where you open up your world to solutions and realizations, and it can give birth to planning and organization. You see, once I recognize I am lost in emotion, I can go through this process. It may seem long and frustrating (that’s another emotion) at first but it brings peace. Especially when you allow yourself some grace. To feel is good, to identify and organize is better, to process and share is best, but to love and heal is divine. It is, afterall, what we’re all seeking.
The only cure to all of this is love. God’s love to be more precise. Jesus said the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.
John said, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
The Savior tells us in D&C 95:1
“Verily, thus saith the Lord unto you whom I love, and whom I love I also chasten that their sins may be forgiven, for with the chastisement I prepare a way for their deliverance in all things out of temptation, and I have loved you.”
He tells us in that scripture 3 times that he loves us. How can he love us unless he knows us? Right there! That’s the truth. He knows us, personally. We don’t know exactly how He did it but Christ’s infinite atonement was done on a personal scale.
A few years ago I was traveling from Henderson NV, up to Northern UT. I was contemplating on all these very things: “He loves me, I am worth it to Him. Why am I not worth it to me?” As I decided to trust in Him and believe that I am of worth to Him. A conduit opened up, and love descended upon me. I could truly feel God’s love for me. Then for the first time in 43 years, I could feel my love for me. I LOVE ME! that love broke some evil dark magical spell the adversary had over me. It’s not like I don’t get tempted anymore, or I don’t feel rejection, or I got a cool scar. When these things happen I now have the power to put it in perspective and take myself out of that million range. I can now work to feel those things in rational amounts. And I am able to promote myself more accurately. To care less of what people think of me and care more about my standing with God.
There was a realization that my RSD is more about me rejecting me, than others. And that Loving myself is like emotional nair.
Last bit of advice is this.
In life, it is okay if someone tells you that your self portrait is misshapen and your ears are lopsided only to look up at yourself and realize it’s more accurate than not. We spend so much time worrying about what others are thinking of us when in reality, they’re not.
If you are dealing with someone who has RSD, do NOT do anything special. Treat them how we are supposed to treat anyone. With love, compassion, forgiveness, and a grain of salt. If you suffer from RSD, same thing. With yourself and others. Just do the important emotional work to bring you peace.
So whichever rejection you prefer, make sure you do it safely. Whether dishing it out or taking it, remember what Brigham Young said. “It’s a fool that takes offense when none was intended, it’s an even bigger fool that takes it when it is.”
As always, if you would like to contact me about any of this please feel free to email me at
Or you can text me at 801-706-6848 I may not have all the answers but I am happy to help wherever I can.
