Many years ago, my wife and I planted a variety of fruit trees in our backyard in Southern Texas. Two of these trees were tangerine trees that produced the juiciest, sweetest tangerines I’ve tasted. They were not very tall but, in their prime, they produced so many tangerines we couldn’t eat them all and ended up filling buckets and bags to give to neighbors, family and friends so that they wouldn’t go to waste.
One year, a deep freeze crept into the South and stayed for about a week, which was unheard of in our area. The unusual weather killed off most of our fruit trees, including our beloved tangerine trees. I eventually cut each of the dead trees to a stump and disposed of the dead trunks and branches.
After a few months, I noticed new shoots coming out of the stump of one of our tangerine trees. I was elated as I thought the tree had survived and we’d eventually enjoy the sweet tangerines again!
However, as a new trunk emerged and the branches grew and thickened, they sprouted long thorns that were hidden just below some of the leaves. These thorns were not easily noticeable at first and would painfully poke and stab as I examined the young branches searching for signs of fruit. The new branches grew at alarming speed and never showed any signs whatsoever of producing fruit.
As I examined the trunk near the soil, I noticed that the new chutes had grown from beneath a portion of the trunk where I believe the original tangerine tree was grafted in. I heard about a process used by fruit tree farmers and nurseries whereby they would join a desired scion (a bud or shoot) onto a rootstock with the established root system, creating a new tree with the desired fruit variety and rootstock characteristics.
I concluded that my beloved fruit-bearing tangerine tree was truly dead, and the wild properties of the untamed rootstock had completely taken over.
So, I cut the newly-grown trunk, branches, and shoots down to the base level just above the ground and threw them away, thinking I had rid myself of the problem. Unfortunately, within a few weeks, long chutes began to spring up again, producing thorn-laden branches in all directions.
But this time the thorns were longer and stronger. I would ignore the wild tree until the branches would be long enough to poke me with their thorns as I mowed the lawn or otherwise walked anywhere near that tree. From a distance, the sprouting tree looked beautiful, healthy, and promising.
But each branch would mercilessly torture anybody who dared touch it. The wild tree seemed to grow faster than anything else in the yard. To resolve this issue, I cut the entire thing down to the ground again and carefully disposed of the thorn-covered branches and thick new trunk.
Again, several weeks later, a new trunk and thorn-riddled branches began to shoot out of the stump. The thorns were even longer than before. I foolishly behaved the same way as before, ignoring it until the branches grew long enough to torment and punish me every time I walked near it.
I knew I had to dig out the root system to permanently rid myself of what had turned into a menacing monster. But I dreaded this reality because I knew that the labor and effort to root out this monster would be intense and painful. After putting off the looming reality a while longer, I finally mustered the courage to take care of something that I had put off far too long.
I first trimmed off all the branches and carefully stacked them in a pile for disposal. I then cut down the trunk to just a few inches above the soil. Next, I started to do something I had never before attempted. I dug around the stump to identify each root shooting off from the core. The hole that needed to be dug in this process was so much larger than expected and was taking a very long time.
As I persisted, I would finally get one part of the root out, cut it away, and then start to dig further only to find another root, then another, and another. Each root was painstakingly cut away and removed so that I could delve even deeper to ensure nothing was left that could grow and fester under the soil later on.
The work was more intense and exhausting than I imagined it would be. After many hours of digging and cutting, I finally got to what appeared to be the last of the major roots. I dug and pulled for what felt like another hour until I was finally able to pull it completely out of the soil. As I did this, I held it high up above my head in victory.
I then collapsed with exhaustion for a bit before I could recover enough energy to gather all the pieces and pile them at the curb where the garbage collector would come to pick it up and carry it away forever. I was left with cuts, bruises, achy muscles and back, and covered in dirt and sweat. But the feeling of what I had accomplished with the help of the right tools was incredible! I had finally freed myself of the menacing monster.
As I reflect back to this experience, I regret that I procrastinated things for so long. I went through so much unnecessary pain. Although chopping down the noticeable branches and trunk appeared to resolve the problem at first, the menacing monster kept coming back stronger because I wasn’t getting at the roots. When I finally persisted through the painful process of digging and chopping until every part of that twisted root system was exposed and pulled out, I finally obtained peace of mind knowing that I had truly rid myself of that horrible tree.
I also noticed that all that digging made me a bit stronger. I have since learned to identify other types of invasive trees and weeds that occasionally sprout up in the yard and understand how important it is to root them up as quickly as possible. I often feel annoyed that I have to continuously be vigilant and do the work to dig each of them out. I didn’t plant those things; I didn’t invite them to come into my yard.
But, if I don’t do anything about them, they will grow until they take over the yard. It’s all part of living in this lone and dreary world. And, even though it is not pleasant or easy, the labor required to dig them out strengthens me and has helped me appreciate and value my yard so much more.
Since hitting puberty in my younger years, I’ve struggled with porn addiction and related values-contradicting compulsive behaviors. I did not initially acquire or implement the proper tools to fully identify and deal with the root causes of these behaviors.
Every once in a while, I would muster the courage to talk to my bishop about the porn addiction; however, I did not dig down to address the root of my problem. Instead, I would sober up from the porn viewing for a while before slipping back to it later. It was like cutting off the noticeable branches and trunk, only to have the new shoots and thorns spring up in greater strength than before.
About six months into my marriage, I found myself cycling back to the porn and confessed to my bishop and my wife. Again, I was able to sober up and stay away from the porn for a while (this time for a couple of years), only to eventually find my way back to it.
However, at this point, I determined that I was no longer going to confess anything to anybody. I believed that I could figure out how to resolve this issue eventually, or perhaps just live with it, and nobody would have to know. After all, I had the rest of the “yard” to walk around, as long as I prevented people from getting near the thorny wild tree. Consequently, the roots of the citrus monster strengthened within me and the branches became more menacing and destructive to my soul and my mind.
More than 20 years later, everything came crashing down. My values-contradicting behavior had become such a prevalent part of my daily life, that I had strayed from my wife, my kids, and my God. I broke sacred covenants in ways that, in the beginning of my marriage, I never imagined I would be capable of doing. It was as though I allowed layers of filth to grow over my eyes and heart until I just didn’t see or feel Truth anymore.
I was living moment to moment, always searching for the next source of pleasure to escape the realities of things I preferred not to face. Sadly, I did not voluntarily disclose anything. Instead, I got caught. The fantasy world that I had created and lived in imploded. I could no longer ignore or hide the monstrous thorny tree that I allowed to grow within me.
Worse yet, the thorns inflicted deep wounds upon my wife and kids, who were completely innocent. I hid everything from them all those years because I foolishly believed Satan’s lies that what they didn’t know would never hurt them. I was deceived and now I am seeing the horrible consequences of my decisions in their lives.
I learned of Life Changing Services shortly after getting caught. I was confused and scared, not knowing exactly how to go forward. I had to rethink everything about my life and what I really wanted. As I struggled through the chaos of the situation, I knew that I wanted to keep my family together and have a chance to rebuild my marriage, if it was possible. Joining a Men of Moroni group was the first important tool that helped me begin to get myself on the right path facing the right direction. Eventually, I obtained more tools in the form of the Marriage Repair Workshop, and the weekly Betrayal Trauma for Dummies class.
Since that dreadful day of “getting caught”, I have been digging, sweating, and laboring to become the best possible version of myself, and to become the man worthy of my wife’s trust and companionship. Similar to pulling out the last bits of the citrus monster, it was exhilarating to finally root out the corrupt root system from my soul and be freed from the torment of it through full repentance.
Although the repentance process was painful, I see that all that digging and sweat made me a bit stronger. I have not yet “arrived” at my full potential; there is still so much work left to do. But my “backyard” is free of the thorny citrus beast and I am actively discovering and, with help from God, uprooting other intrusive plants as quickly as possible. For the first time in decades, I feel peace within my soul. I truly feel God’s love for me. I am no longer being acted upon, but rather I’m acting for myself, freed from the bondage of the lies and fears of continuous covenant-breaking behaviors. I feel free.
I am periodically tormented by the following truth from Alma 32:15: “Yea, he that truly humbleth himself, and repenteth of his sins, and endureth to the end, the same shall be blessed–yea, much more blessed than they who are compelled to be humble…” I am among those who were compelled to be humble. I got caught before I finally decided to do what the Spirit had been inviting me to do for the past two decades.
Whenever I’d come across this scripture or others like it, the thought would come into my mind: “You see, you will never be fully redeemed, forgiven and blessed because you didn’t voluntarily come forward. You got caught. You are one of those fools who had to be compelled to be humble. Therefore, you’re not worthy of full redemption.” Satan is very good at teaching the philosophies of men, mingled with scripture.
Mercifully, another verse from Alma 32 was recently highlighted to me: verse 13 says: “And now, because ye are compelled to be humble blessed are ye; for a man sometimes, if he is compelled to be humble, seeketh repentance; and now surely, whosoever repenteth shall find mercy; and he that findeth mercy and endureth to the end the same shall be saved.” I have sought repentance and I have found mercy. It has been very difficult and painful for me, just like waiting so long to dig up the roots of the citrus monster in my backyard.
Of course it would have been so much better for me (and my family) if I had taken these steps long ago; the roots would not be as thick, strong, and deep. I believe that’s why those who voluntarily come forward without being compelled to do so are more blessed. They are blessed by avoiding the additional pain and anguish required of those who were compelled to be humble. In the end, however, we all require the same saving grace from our Savior’s atoning power to be cleansed and saved in God’s Kingdom.
I know that if I endure to the end, I will be saved, just as any other child of the Almighty God will be saved through the atoning power of Jesus Christ. I know that I have committed grievous sins that have inflicted very deep wounds into the hearts of my wife and children. I also know that Jesus Christ, our Savior, has the power to cleanse me, and to heal the hearts of my wife and children.
We continue to navigate the rough roads of recovery and healing, and often encounter potholes, bumps and other obstacles. But, as long as we are on the right path, facing the right direction, and moving forward, we will find healing, cleansing, redemption, and eternal happiness. It doesn’t matter how fast we are moving on that path or when we started. We are heading in the right direction and, by the grace of our merciful and loving Heavenly Father, we will eventually get there.
I would like to recommend that all readers listen to and read the lyrics of the beautiful hymn that has been an inspirational part of my recovery: Softly and Tenderly Jesus is Calling. You can start with this recording:
Article written by guest Wallace G.
