(This is one of the segments in the Facebook series, “Weekly Walk with Cody” with licensed therapist Cody Hawes, MSW, LCSW.)
“You will not die if you choose to listen to someone else’s perspective and choose not to voice disagreement, you may just add to your life.”
Humans love and seek after equilibrium and resolution on the daily.
Unfortunately, we’ve been conditioned to right fight from the moment we start relationships.
“Mom! Timmy’s not sharing, you need to teach him how to share!”
“I’m not speaking to her until she starts to see that I’m right!”
Unfortunately, resolve isn’t accomplished when we win.
Resolve comes when we get quiet and listen or actually experience the miraculousness of being heard.
So many times, we have been caught in the trap of back and forth arguing and “right fighting” and we often feel a resolve when finally we “agree to disagree” and sweep the issue under the rug.
This is a false and counterfeit pattern that only leads to cyclical behavior and eventual ups.
Agreeing to disagree is sweeping all those little issues under the rug, but over time someone moves that rug and we still have to deal with it.
How awesome does it feel to get that area clean!
So, if you are unable to speak with respect and dignity and fulfill that desire to argue, please stop and let’s start by taking notes.
Consider the process you took in a class you wanted to really get some information from and ace the exams…
You listened whole-heartedly to the professor and you read all the material. The professor wasn’t in charge of your grade, you were.
If something you didn’t understand came up in class, you sought clarification.
So, let’s call this class, “stop talking and start listening by taking notes 101.”
We’ll get to, “Well, I’d also like to be heard once in awhile 101” in a bit.
At first, the only thing I want people to do is start having a note pad and pen right by them just to know that it’s available and that it’s an option instead of going to not agreeing with the person speaking.
Of course, you may go right in and start disagreeing as a form of conflict resolution but let the notepad and pen act as a reminder that there may be a better way of communicating.
That’s all folks!
Let’s start with that!
Remember resolve comes through peace. Just start to embrace the idea that you’d rather have peace in knowing the mind of the other person and why they’re struggling than to end a conversation by agreeing to disagree and sweeping it under the rug and calling that a peaceful resolution.
Cody Hawes LCSW is a clinician that assists those dealing with sexual addiction, trauma, betrayal trauma, marriage counseling and mental health recovery. Cody also teaches the Men’s and Women’s Marriage Repair workshops.
