The Severe ramblings of an incoherent ADHDer, or better known as an introduction to Kennyland.
(Note: this was written by guest blogger Kenny Hill. The post has not been changed from the original and any typos, spelling or other errors have been left exactly as it was written.)
Today is October 20, 2023. I am finally writing my first daily blog on my life with Severe ADHD. I decided to keep “daily” in the title for the irony. I may never write another one. Again, maybe it will help with accountability, maybe. You see, I started this project months ago, yet this is the first attempt. Too many Satanic voices about: no one cares, it won’t be interesting, blah blah blah (I uh, can’t actually remember what the other things they were saying right now…)
A warning: I am a terrific writer when it comes to a story, but for my own brain I fear this may be closer to going down a rabbit’s hole. Without a map, clue, or destination. This will be honest, raw, and probably very wordy. Also, misspelled. A lot. My spelling and grammar has improved despite being auto-incorrect, but I still use a lot of extra commas and bullet point lists.
Things I want to talk about in future writings:
- MBTI (I am an INFJ)
- Highly sensitive personality
- Enneagram ( I think I am a 7 but I have a lot of 4. Not sure what that means yet)
- zodiac ( I am a sagittarius, and yes there is a point to it all)
- LDs (my dyslexia is as severe as my ADHD. I can read and write in mirror)
- CD (have that too) what it mean to humble ourselves amidst ODD/CD
- Other comorbidities
- All the symptoms that we suffer through and what the counter measures are.
- Anything i want to
I’m just going to type this so I dont actually do it. The Lady speaking loudly in Spanish on her speakerphone near me, not next to me, is… it’s…. I’m shaking, seething. WTH lady. The anger in which I am feeling is proportionate to the Decibles in which shes talking. Yet there is NO reason for me to place her phone in the ceiling where she can see,and hear it but not reach it. I’d even leave it on so momi” can still hear her. AAAAHHH!!!!
I moved, but they may have called my number at the DMV and I missed it. This is the worst system.
Let’s talk about masking today. ADHD masking is when someone with ADHD tries to cover up their symptoms by copying with the behaviors of people who don’t have it. ADHD masking may be a way for some people with ADHD to fit in socially, avoid being stigmatized, or feel more accepted. Also not feel shame and horrible about not fitting in. The problems?:
- Its exhausting
- It usually causes more shame
- The satanic lie persists that you are not actually good enough to be in public.
- Embarrassment when people catch you being yourself.
- Much more
- Realizing I’ve been masking for 25 years and am too afraid to let people see the real me, whoever that is. (When people realize they are doing this they quite often say “ef it!” and wind up doing something contrary to the person they were masking in an attempt to be their own person. Yet that behavior is still not inline with their value system because it was impulsive and reactionary.
- If you mask someone healthy you can learn how to act in new social situations and make it your own.
- We are very adaptable
- Can get along with just about anyone
- Often get a lot of cleaning done. As a way to hide.
I just realized this morning that I have been masking my wife since we met, 22 years ago. In most ways it has been a tremendous blessing. She is as neurotypical as they come. She thinks so logically, she is honest, brave, courageous, she has a tenacity and propensity to doing what is right for the sake of it. She has held me accountable and brought out some of my best qualities that needed some refinement. I am truly a better man for it. But it’s time for me to become my best self. I believe that means:
- Continuing to learn from my wife.
- Being honest about my symptoms
- Seeking advice instead of hiding behind masking
- Acceptance, tolerance, and forgiveness of my self. (Its easy to afford that to others, why not me? I’m taking it whether I like it or not!)
This is scary, because I am immature, impulsive, defiant, and a mess. (Satanic lie – what if it’s the straw that breaks the camels back in my marriage) Becoming my best self is exciting! It does not mean throwing my hands up and giving into my symptoms. It means being aware of them.
Allowing masking to help me improve my behavior authentically instead of not being myself. I love to clean and have order, but I still make a mess all over the place. I am going to experiment with masking her skills at organizing and planning to be the best partner I can be. Like a combination of strengths.
I should have written this on Halloween. You know, cause of masks. Oh well, maybe I’ll write about something scarier. Like what? IDK.
I had an idea a little while ago that maybe masking is a gift. When someone practices something long enough it becomes behavior. Even in ADHD. If I study the life of the Savior in great depth, maybe I can mask Him. If I mask Him long enough with purpose it will become my nature, right? I think the only way that would truly work is to face several things. (Oh no! Another list!? SHUT UP SUSAN! You’re always criticizing me.):
- The symptom. Study what it before hand, so I can recognize it in the moment.
- Counter measures as the treatment.
- Planning and organizing
- Time – it will take a lot of time to study and put it all together as well as practice it
You know, that list sucks. It may be accurate but if this was a theater I would have gotten up and walked out on my self.
My wife and I were sealed together in the House of the Lord. We hold true to, and deeply honor, our covenants. I know that in the end we will both end up in the Celestial Kingdom, but who we are with will be a choice. I choose her. Everyday, I choose her and not Pikachu (that electric rodent will have to get his own help meet) but will she choose me? I see her as amazing and perfect. She’ll say she’s not but that streak of white amidst her deep chestnut hair says otherwise.
In becoming perfected in this life, the signs of sanctification are starting to manifest physically showing the world the purity within. You don’t believe me? it happened to Moses. The more he dealt with the wacky antics of the children of Israel, the more he had to turn to the Lord in prayer and supplication, soon he was glowing with Lord’s countenance. See the pattern?
Seriously though, it has dawned on me that this is why I have been masking. Because I want her to choose me, and i dont feel like a worthy choice. I dont want to stand before the judgment bar of God and, having been stripped of all lies, deceit, and facades, appearing as a shriveled lump of a man.
I love the way Simon Sinek talks. Do you think he’s ever on a stage and says “I’m really thirsty, I need a glass of water.” And the audience is like “ya! I am an empty outstretched hand, reaching for a glass of water. BUT before I can have the water I need a glass to hold it in. I must become the glass, empty myself….” And hes like “No, I’m just thirsty, I cant go on without some water.” And the people are like “Yes, I am holding myself back.”
I bet he likes boba.
Anyway, I want to be the guy who exudes divine masculinity, who makes wise decisions with confidence and then councils with his wife. Someone full of integrity and a zeal to do what is right, who wears the full armour of God daily and causes the very gates of hell to shudder and quake. Someone who is strong and meek with love, compassion, and empathy for others. Quick to forgive while righting my own personal wrongs. A strippling warrior, an heir to the throne of God.
Wouldn’t that be cool to get in your fortune cookie?
“Dude, what does yours say? WOAH! That’s cool, mine just says I am an ’empty glass for water’. Whatever that means.”
If I stop masking will I discover I am already enough? Maybe, but I’ll never be whole until I do.